How to Sext: Complete Guide with Examples & Tips

Sexting only works when both people want it. Do not open with something explicit and hope for the best; a message that one person welcomes can feel intrusive to another. If you are unsure of the context, begin with light flirting and watch the response.

A simple opt-in keeps the mood intact: “I have been thinking about you. Would you like me to get a bit more flirty tonight?” A yes is an invitation to continue. Silence, a change of subject or a vague answer means stop. Consent can be withdrawn at any point, and a yes last week does not cover tonight.

A two-minute conversation beforehand prevents most regrets. Cover these points:

• Boundaries — Say what is off the table: certain words, topics or fantasies. Neither of you should have to guess.
• Words, photos or both — Text alone is a perfectly good choice. Pictures raise the stakes, so decide that separately.
• A pause word — Pick a word that means “stop, I need a break” and honour it at once, just like an in-person safe word.
• Privacy — Agree that screenshots, saving and forwarding are never okay.

Our Yes/No/Maybe list guide helps you each mark what you like, and the safe words guide explains how stop signals work, which translates directly to text.

Anticipation does most of the work, so slow usually beats explicit. These habits help:

• Reference something shared — A memory, an inside joke or a moment from last weekend makes a message personal.
• Feelings before acts — Describe what you notice and imagine before you describe what you would do.
• Ask questions — “What would you want me to do first?” invites them in and shows you their limits as you go.
• Match their pace — If they send two words, do not reply with three paragraphs. Mirror their length and tone.

Treat these as starting points, not scripts. Your own words in your own voice always land better than copied lines.

• Vanilla

  • “I cannot stop thinking about how you laughed last night. Come over early.”
  • “I am wearing your favourite shirt today. Guess what I am thinking about.”

• Playful

  • “I have a plan for you this weekend. Do you want hints or a surprise?”
  • “Tell me one thing you would like me to do slowly.”

• Kinky (after you have discussed it)

  • “Tonight you do exactly what I say, and you tell me the second anything is too much. Agreed?”
  • “Good. Now tell me what you would ask for if you were allowed to ask.”

If you already practise power exchange, texting can carry parts of it: a morning instruction, a check-in, a task to report back on tonight. The same rules apply. Agree on instructions in advance, keep a pause word and ask how your partner feels afterwards. Orders you have not negotiated are not play; they are pressure.

The BDSM Contract Builder helps you write down which instructions, limits and signals you have agreed. The pressure-free approach in our guide to making him moan without it feeling forced applies to chat as well: ask first, invite instead of demand.

• Pictures need clear consent from the person receiving them as well as the sender. Never send explicit images unasked.
• Adults only. Never sext with anyone who is, or might be, under 18. Laws on this are strict.
• Sharing someone’s intimate images without consent is illegal in many places and always a breach of trust. Rules vary by jurisdiction, so check yours.
• If you send pictures, keep faces, tattoos and other identifying details out of frame.
• End-to-end encrypted apps and disappearing messages help, but the recipient can still screenshot. Only send what you could live with being seen.

• Pressure or guilt, such as “If you loved me you would send one.”
• Opening with an explicit image or message nobody asked for.
• Sexting when you are angry, or using it as a reward or punishment you have not agreed.
• Ignoring a hesitant answer or a change of subject. That is a no for now.

If you are not sure what each of you wants, the Free BDSM Test maps your preferences with 17 anonymous questions, and you can compare notes afterwards. UNION, the end-to-end encrypted couples app offers a private place for shared rituals, and the Kink Communication & Compatibility hub collects more guides on talking about desire.

This article is educational and for adults only. It is not legal, medical or psychological advice, and laws on intimate images and messaging differ by country and region. If sexting causes distress, or you are being pressured or threatened, stop and seek support from a trusted person or a local professional service.